Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Damn. I'm heading for a Safe Space.

Shots fired at Yankee Pier at SFO.

Getting a bite before my flight to IAD...
A couple guys sit at the counter with me, start to place their orders...
Ancient Asian Waitress: "Watchoo want drink?"
Guy1: "Water and coffee- black."
Guy2 (to Guy1) : "So... Hot, bitter and resentful?"
-short expectant pause-
TBG: "Wow. Check please!"

TBG- [Exit- Pursued by an elephant seal]

That's the best choice for me?

Jeebus Pete!
I get to bomb around the Bay Area in a 5.2 Litre Banana?
Sure, after I fold myself into a pretzel and shoehorn my not-so-inconsiderable ass and gut into the stitched leather seats.

It was ok, but I'll take Avis up on an exchange option next time.

TBG - Exit- [Pursued by a Mustang]

Monday, April 25, 2016

Please define "Safer Communities" for me?

From our "AYFKM?" File:

It seems the Obama Administration has been digging into the DEA's evidence locker and taking the tainted acid tabs again. 

The Department of Justice (DOJ) will be taking new actions to facilitate the re-entry of former prisoners into society, President Obama announced in a video released Saturday.

The DOJ is focusing specifically on building up "strong re-entry programs" and showing how they can "make communities safer," according to the president.

I guess Obama has a bizarre idea of how to make safe communities.
Perhaps he can employ some of his released prisoners on his Secret Service detail if they are so good at safety and security efforts....

And regarding releasing 600,000 prisoners into the mainstream every year:

"It's about making sure that we live up to our ideals as a nation."

I'm really tired of getting lectured to about American Ideals and "That's not who we are."

TBG -[Exit - pursued by a badger]

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Job Interviews

I've been trying to fill a position here at work...
Some poor bastard lucky candidate to handle IT services for one of our clients...
Needs IT skills, proven track record in project management. The usual KSAs.

Yours Truly: "So... Describe yourself in one word."
Poor Bastard Lucky Candidate: "Great at following directions."

** [Heavy sigh] **

The search continues.

TBG - - [Exit - Pursued by a bear]

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Traffic Thoughts...

Out at lunchtime today to run an errand...
Got caught behind a old beater Buick that just positively screamed "Axe Murderer at Wheel".
(You know the type- Car hasn't been washed since 1987, faded "Mondale for President" bumperstrickers. Edges of all the windows are getting that  fogging from sun damage. Can't even describe how stereotypical the driver was- long unwashed hair, Coke-bottle glasses, wifebeater shirt.)

After following it awhile it seems I was mishearing it-  the shout was really "Paedophile!"

Say what you will about those depraved motherf'ers...
At least they slow down when the go through school zones.

TBG - - [exit, pursued by a bear]

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

A Few Thoughts From Last Week

1. I learned I can drive past Brunswick / Saint Simon's Island twice and my motorcycle doesn't automatically exit the highway and streak like a BBQ-seeking missile toward Demere Rd.

2. The pollen in the CSRA will (and did) destroy contact lenses.

Micrograph of CSRA pollen.

3. If your contact lenses start hurting, TAKE THEM OUT NOW.

4. Weathermen don't know shit about weather.

5. A copperhead snake can turn a 6' sprinkler salesman into a little girl.

6. There is no 6

7. After 7 days on a diet consisting strictly of of pimento cheese sandwiches, egg salad sandwiches, industrial-strength BBQ sandwiches, and  Krispy Kreme donuts, do not -under penalty of an embarrassing wardrobe malfunction- trust a fart.

8. No running. Ever.
Best actual quote ever:
"I don't care if you're being chased by a six-foot-nine naked guy with an erection and a butcher knife- NO RUNNING." - from a cop in the parking lot in 2011

9. "What 'cha doing there?" is the Number 1 frequently asked question this week.

10. "Collecting data for the use of the Tournament" is the #1 answer. Vague and Infuriating, to be sure. (It is a tradition unlike any other. Heh)

11. If you make something foolproof, only a fool will be able to use it.

12. 30% of the people eat 80% of the doughnuts

13. Plastic cups from Augusta actually count as currency in some social circles.

14. If you fuck up or fuck off badly enough, even a good Cuban cigar will not save you from the wrath of the Volunteer Coordinator. (He's an unstable cuss.)

15. If you arrive early enough, parking isn't a problem.

16. In Augusta GA, "Because I said so." is a perfectly acceptable answer when Questioning Authority. Further question said Authority can result in incarceration. Or worse.

17. Do not attempt to use your GPS to get anywhere in Augusta between 6 AM and 8 PM on thefirst week of April.

18. Friends will help you move. Real friends will help you move bodies. Exceptional friends will trudge up and down 11 fairway for hours and hours, and still come back the next day with a smile.

19. If you mix the pink shit and the brown shit with a little of the blue shit, it's almost drinkable.
(But save all 3 cups. See #13.)

20. Don't piss off Susan.


Thursday, April 07, 2016

Golf Stuff: Best comments regarding Ernie Els' 7-putt on Hole 1 at the 2016 Masters

His caddy was just standing there like ... "well, there goes my paycheck for the week"

I usually start the "one of us!" chant, but fuck, that's not even one of us, man.

This will go down with the biggest disasters of all time.... Challenger explosion.... Chernobyl.... Ernie Els opening hole of 2016 Masters.

He will henceforth be known as Ernie "Motorboatin'" Els...  putt-putt-putt-putt-putt-putt-putt

Since breaking the club into 2 or 3 pieces and throwing it in the nearest trash can would be as unacceptable as tossing it into the nearest lake at Augusta, I would calmly walk over to a child in the audience and give it to them, then putting with literally any other club for the rest of the round.

The elusive Sextuple bogey!

Gawd that was painful to see...