"Ooh. Sailing's started."
"I'll call the wife and tell her I'll be late!"
"Is there a big statue of Jesus in Rio? Why don't they show us?!"
TBG - - [Exit - Pursued by a Boomer]
Famous the Uncle Jay will explain- no...it will take too long. Uncle Jay will sum up all the weird shit happening around him. Famous!
"I like, went to this club. Was cray cray, I was so wasted. We got some dude to take us back but I had to piss so we stop at this shithole gas station. Fucking doors locked man. Fuckers aren't stopping me though, I'm murican. So I kick down that door with one unstoppable roundhouse and we go piss on the floor to show them who's boss. Wouldn't you know it, some rent a cop starts yellin some jibberish at us and waving a gun. I'm like bro, I had to piss, door had to go. He just kept going on his voodoo speak so I tossed dude a couple hundo's and bailed. Now dudes all pissed that I went and told everyone how awesome I was. Haters. So yea murica, I'm sorry bro."
P: "Hey - we gotta change all our user names and passwords on all our machines. That gonna affect your stuff?"YT: "Not a bit. What's up?"P: "Fucking social media and basic stupidity. Some moron back in the home office wrote their user name and password on a piece of tape on their keyboard.
Today, she took a picture of a cupcake on her keyboard and posted it to Facebook.
With the username and password in full view."YT: "Wow. Fired?"P: "Shoulda been, but she invoked the Hillary defense. She didn't do it with malicious intent, so she's still around."
"Make sure your driver knows the way to the stadium.Dude... Never get out of the boat.
Mine didn't, and we were totally lost in a not-very-nice area. The driver finally pulled over and found a guy with a machete, no shirt, prison tattoos, sitting by flaming oil drum full of burning chunks of old automobile tires under an overpass to ask about directions.
I was hiding under the back seat of the van. I knew we were both going to die!"
Snot-nosed Young Lad: "Dang. Those things DO work!? I thought is was just an air freshener or something. I never saw one working before now."I guess if there isn't an iPhone control app for it, it's not worth using.
Yours Truly: "What, you haven't got your chip yet?"I gave him the name of a certain Curmudgeon who hates EVERYBODY, especially the interns...
S-NYL: "My what?"
YT: "Your chip. Your RFID chip from NBC."
S-NYL: Puzzled look, like a cocker spaniel when you make a squeaky noise.
YT: "Yeah, you need to go down to Engineering and ask for your chip implant. It activates the hand driers, but the really cool stuff they do is things like giving you access to the VIP sections in different venues- really useful in the Gymnastics and the Swimming venues. It also gives you access to the motorpool to get from site to site... Just get in one of the NBC cars and wave your hand over the reader and tell the driver where you want to go.
There's a bunch of other stuff... It'll be in the brochure they give you when they implant the chip...
S-NYL: "Everybody gets them?"
YT: "Yep...If you know who to ask. Just keep it on the down-low. The less people that know, the better."
EG: "Hey- I've lost my connection."Day Two:
YT: "WHAT?!" (Frantically pinging his switch and computers. Nothing. Oh shit.)
YT: "Find your Truck Guy, trace the blue cable from your switch to the patch block, make sure it's still plugged in. Then, look in the TOC for the cable bundle labeled 'GRAPHICS" make sure #6 is in port 45 on switch 2."
EG: "Find the truck guy. Got it."
YT: "Oh shit..." I grabbed my tool back and headed out the door.
Before I got to the shuttle bus, my phone rang.
EG: "Found it. Someone moved the cable."
YT: "Who? Who did it. What moronic motherhumper in the OAS compound is going to wind up with a 4 pound hammer embedded in his forehead?"
EG: "Don't know, but it's fixed."
YT: "Find out." (click)
RJ: "Hey- I've lost my connection."Grab my bag and head to the shuttle.
YT: "WHAT?!" (Frantically pinging his switch and computers. Nothing. Oh shit.)
TM: "I know why you're here... Sorry- my fault. it's fixed now."Is it unreasonable for me to expect that while we are ON THE AIR that people don't pull out cables that they don't know what it's attached to?
YT: stunned silence
TM: "Yeah, one of the guys in the A-Truck had a problem with his internet connection. Your cable wasn't labeled and I didn't know what it was, so I pulled it."
YT: "Dude, are you fucking kidding me? There are 200 unlabeled cables in here...
You didn't pull them... Why are you pulling mine?"
TM: shrugs shoulders - "I don't know... I just thought it was in the wrong place."
I will be traveling to Rio as part of one of the most talented and decorated women’s rowing squads in history. I am incredibly excited for this trip, and this opportunity. I have worked for ten years to get to this point and will continue to work as hard as I can over the next few weeks to make the most of this very special and unique opportunity.
But all you want to do is talk about shit in the water.
My request to everyone who is fixated on shit in the water:
Stop trying to ruin the Olympics for us.
Think of it this way: every time you sensationalize the poor water quality, or try to get athletes to react to Zika, or chastise the Brazilian people for allowing their government to collapse, you’re not just insulting the Brazilian people. You’re also insulting us, your American athletes. Every time someone asks an athlete who is not a sociologist, epidemiologist, ecologist, microbiologist, or entomologist their position on water quality or some other crappy negative topic, they’re telling us:
“I care more about your non-expert opinion on these issues than I do on your performance in Rio.” But –But–
There is no but.
You’re not being helpful, and it’s not coming from a good place.
Olympic athletes are experts on one thing, and one thing only: our performance. And you damn well know it. Every time you ask us to shift our focus from our specialty during the one time in a four-year cycle that we get the opportunity to share our expertise with the world, it’s an unnecessary distraction that we as competitors do not need and should not have to deal with from people who are supposed to be on our side.
Every time you steer the conversation away from the athletes and competition and on to things that are outside of our control, you’re suggesting to us: “I think you should probably waste some of your energy worrying about this, don’t you?”
That’s not helping anyone to be faster or perform better in Rio, so why would you do it? It seems a little mean-spirited and like you don’t care if we do well. Or that you somehow think that we should not enjoy our trip to the Olympics...
Dear Uncle Jay,
You’re right that the key word for traveling to Brazil is “don’t.” Of course, that makes it sound like you shouldn’t travel there at all; in reality, (1) you shouldn’t travel to South America at all and (2) the word don’t really applies to everything related to Brazil.
|This actually is Rio. This may not be one of the Olympic sports, but that doesn’t mean you won’t see this at some venues.|
Brazil is basically all the cut-throat lunacy of a Mexican pirate town plunked helpfully in the center of a sweltering jungle, featuring a river filled with creatures that have teeth the size of your aunt and the predilection to eat something her size with them.
Another feature of Brazil is the fact you can drive about ten minutes in any direction (in theory, as there aren’t nearly enough roads) and find yourself in a stone-age culture equipped with blowguns and cell phones. They will not hesitate to use both. No, the Czar doesn’t mean “either,” he means “both”: they’ll gleefully put a dart in your neck while talking to their agent.
Brazilians, on the other hand, are great for parties. The Czar strongly recommends befriending a Brazilian if you like to eat, drink, roller skate, dance, and basically repeat this every hour until four or five in the morning. These people do not quit.
It has been decades since the Czar went to Rio, though, so let’s see what we remember. Your high school Spanish will be just as useful to you here as when you went to Cozumel, by which we mean totally useless. Brazilians, as you already know, speak Portuguese, not Spanish. Portuguese is an interesting language that’s half-Spanish and half-arrogance. It has a lot of shushing noises, which is linguistically interesting: since Brazilians spend about two-thirds of their day inebriated, they simply modified the spelling of their language to reflect drunken slurs.
Helpful phrases:Don’t worry about pronouncing the Portuguese correctly: just read it loud and in a drunk voice. They won’t understand you, but that’s because they’re too hammered themselves. “Vamos roller skating,” they’ll say in sympathy.
“These are not my drugs, therefore you can keep them.” — Não minhas drogas; portanto, você pode mantê-los.
“Waiter, my seafood is threatening me.” — Garçom, meu frutos do mar me ameaça.
“What can I drink that won’t kill me?” — O que eu posso beber que não vai me matar?
“If I drink this caipirinha, will I still have two kidneys in the morning?” — Se eu beber esta caipirinha, vai ainda tenho dois rins na parte da manhã?
“Get me on the next flight home.” — Quero que o próximo vôo do avião casa.
“No, I’m Canadian.” — Não, sou canadense
The Czar is also familiar with Brazilian cooking, being something of a grill-master himself. The Brazilian method of cooking is quite simple: subject thick cuts of meat—python?—to extremely high heat until the food is charred black on the outside and bloody raw in the middle. If you look carefully, you might find some medium-well fibers of meat between the two, but these will be utterly soaked in salt.
The heat is unbearable in Rio, but clothing is totally optional. Actually, the bigger and hairier you are, the less you want to wear. The Czar guesses for a mostly shaved Sasquatch guy your size, Jay, you should wear an eyepatch in place of a thong. Surprisingly, that won’t be the most surprising thing you’ll see someone wear.
Everyone talks about the gigantic statue of Jesus up on the hilltop, but what they don’t tell you is that, over the last 50 years or so, the statue has totally turned itself around so it looks away. It would be a Vatican-sized miracle, but no one admits it because it reflects nothing but shame on the city. Hey, if you had to gaze down on that mess, you’d at least squint.
Anywhere you go, look for the nearest exit and use it.
Fortunately, you’ll be traveling there with fiber optic cables, which is good because you can use them to strangle the hotel clerk when he arrives in the middle of the night to perform his customary turn down service and leave something minty on your pillow. Don’t worry about the body: murder is not only sanctioned there but positively encouraged. If the authorities ask, simply say what all Brazilians say and claim you thought he was a poor person. You’re off the hook, and you can just leave the body where it is. There will be no air-conditioning in your room anyway, and within moments his corpse will be swollen with bottle fly maggots, so dumping it won’t matter.
For the last 50 years or so, the Czar has become increasingly convinced that the Olympics are just a huge joke that we’re not getting…so the organizers are choosing even dumber locations each time. “Let’s pick a disease-infested pithole that’s corrupt, filthy hot, and has no transportation or clean lodging.” “How about Rio? Chicago said no.”Well...
O Most Dread and Awful Czar, Lord of the Flies, Keeper of the Pile, Master of the Steppes, Bringer of Kinetic Military Action, Torturer-in-Chief, Slayer of the Yaw and the Goiter, and Protector of the Holy Cities of Moscow, Chicago and parts of Louisville...Once again I find myself in need of Pro Life Tips from Your Czarness…As per usual I have been assigned to work in a place that the mere mention of evokes fear and palpitations in the hearts of travel professionals and dollar signs in the eyes of Personal Executive Protection agents.Yep- you guessed it. I’m heading to Rio.Your guidance regarding my sojourn in Sochi was invaluable; Your tip regarding quality horsemeat was spot-on, and I did use “გვამი მდინარეში ერთხელ,” very often, given the construction contractors that received bids and money for projects that were either unfinished (tons of them) or didn’t even exist (arguably even a larger quantity).Your knowledge was so useful I would once again visit the well of your vast wisdom and know-how and draw upon your knowledge of all things dangerous and deadly.Word around the campfire is to stay away from:
Beaches at nightBars bearing any signage 1) in English, or 2) with the words “Nós Matar Turistas” (“We love tourists” I think...)Downtown RioNorthern RioSouthern RioWestern Rio(There is no Eastern Rio. Word has it that is was sold to Uruguay and carted away in a truck years ago.)Also avoid:Local copsCity copsFederal copsHighway copsSubway/Metro copsAnyone with a uniformAnyone without a uniformKidsGrownupsBoysGirlsGirls that look like boysBoys that look like girlsAnyone with a pulseAnyone without a pulseAnd finally-Don’t eat/drink:MeatVegetablesFish
Name brand liquorOff brand liquorHomemade liquorCachaçaAguardienteWater (bottled, tap, bay, beach, bath/shower, ocean and rainfall)BeerCoke and other ‘soft’ drinksAnd the biggest no-no-Favelas – Don’t even look at the damned favelas.As a matter of fact, according to the keeper of my leash, visiting a favela, no matter how well armed and capable I am, or the size of my personal protection detail is a violation that will get me a spot on the next plane out. (That’s my escape plan, by the way.)Help me, Obi Wan CzarnobiYou’re my only hope.Uncle Jay
TBG - - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE
In the ol' RSS feed today:
From the Washington Post-
'The FBI has found no evidence so far that Omar Mateen, who killed 49 people and wounded more than 53 at the Pulse nightclub in Orlando, chose the popular establishment because of its gay clientele, U.S law enforcement officials said.'
I don't have a whole lot of confidence about anything the FBI says any more.
They couldn't find enough evidence to recommend charges for Hillary Clinton...
I have a feeling they couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were printed on the sole.
A certain broadcast news conglomerate should really stop using Obama's gushing praise of Hillary as a centerpiece...
"“There has never been any man or woman more qualified for this office than Hillary Clinton, ever. And that’s the truth.”
-Obama, at NC speech endorsing Clinton.
Anyone with two brain cells to rub together should see this for the sack of horseshit that it is.
Not even Obama could possibly believe it, narcissist that he is...
In a January 2008 debate, Senator Obama accused Clinton of being “willing to say anything to get elected.”
He repeated the charge in a radio ad that same month, in which he attacked Clinton as “what’s wrong with politics” and claimed she “will say anything to get elected."
Maybe that is what he's talking about?
That that is what a Democrat thinks makes the best possible candidate?
Gosh... in about 2 weeks France was going to drop their "Elevated Alert" status.
Guess they might need to rethink that and exactly what Elevated means...
(Hint:don't ask DHS/TSA)
Civil unrest in the US &
BLM and their ilk...
Hard to believe we are in this state 8 years after electing Obama - the self-proclaimed healer of racial unrest.
How is this possible?
No doubt Obama will find it difficult to find the motive behind the attack in Nice...
What could it possibly be?
On that thought...
If only we could find a prevailing element connecting attacks in Nice, Orlando, San Bernardino, Batacan in Paris, Brussels airport, Istanbul airport etcetera ad nauseum.
What could it possibly be?
I keep hearing the terrorist attack in Nice being referred to as a "truck attack", as if the truck was the culprit, not unlike any of the AR-platform weapons are responsible for any and all gun violence...
Terrorist attack in America = "gun violence because assault rifle!"
Terrorist attack in France = "truck attack"
After listening to Obama preach at me during the Dallas memorial, and tonight's rehash of his bullshit, I went woolgathering a bit...
I'm kind of looking forward to Obama going full-on "War on Guns!"
Look what that did for access to every possible recreational chemical when the War on (some) Drugs started.
It's going to be interesting...
A few days back the Dread and Awful Czar posted a lovely bit o' foolscap about not falling into the trap of discussing gun rights with the Anti-Gun crowd.
I used this bit of advice to my advantage and peace of mind in the follow-up to a gun rights discussion... worked like a charm.
While waiting on a delayed flight at SFO today I discovered that the Czar's advice can be applied to many situations, especially in the coming months.
Airport CNN was spewing drivel regarding the Democrat's Bengazhi report...
For some reason the Dems report had many references for The Donald in it, like he had some hand in the actual operation or administration response...
A short discussion started up with the group I was standing with...
An older woman, well dressed and erudite opined:
"I think Trump is the worst thing to happen to this country since Richard Nixon." and waited for approval from her fellow passengers.
My measured reponse: "Honey, I couldn't give a fat rat's ass what you think."
And went back to reading my twitter feed.
That pretty much shut down the political discussion for the afternoon....
After 19.5 broadcast hours of skinny dudes in Speedos and jailbait in wet one-piece bathing suits, US Diving Team trials comes to a close.
Indy was, as always, a pleasure.
Worked with some old TV Friends, made some new TV Friends, and had a healthy dose of LeftCoast/NYC gun control stupidity- just enough to keep my blood pressure high enough to ensure failure on my next DOT physical.
I did get an opportunity to visit with my two favorite Broad Ripplers, RobertaX and Famous the Tam... I was able to tear them away from the Sunday morning political talk shows for breakfast at a nice little joint called Taste up north of the city.
We chatted, talked about other bloggers, the TSA, Olympics and other fun stuff...
Meeting up with them is the best reason to visit Indy...
(It sure isn't the $15 shrimp cocktail, amirite?)
So... off to slay my next dragon...
TBG [EXIT-Pursued by a Hertz agent...]
The Congress, whenever two thirds of both Houses shall deem it necessary, shall propose Amendments to this Constitution, or, on the Application of the Legislatures of two thirds of the several States, shall call a Convention for proposing Amendments, which, in either Case, shall be valid to all Intents and Purposes, as part of this Constitution, when ratified by the Legislatures of three fourths of the several States, or by Conventions in three fourths thereof, as the one or the other Mode of Ratification may be proposed by the Congress; Provided that no Amendment which may be made prior to the Year One thousand eight hundred and eight shall in any Manner affect the first and fourth Clauses in the Ninth Section of the first Article; and that no State, without its Consent, shall be deprived of its equal Suffrage in the Senate.Maybe in NYC, LA and Chicago people would be willing to roll over and take it up the ass...
(oooh so many werdz. my head hurts!)
...Are gonna get ourselves shot, jailed or banned from CVS.
Next door to The World's Shittiest Sheraton is a CVS Pharmacy shoehorned into a very small space.
Given its location (Downtown Indy) and proximity to a busy bus stop, there is a large spectrum of humanity patronizing the place... From the panhandler just outside in his wheelchair with the illegible 'Plese Help' sign to the tourists, business folk, homeless people, politicians, street people, students and Yours Truly trying to buy Useful Shit, it's a busy place.
I skip the 8-person deep line for the cashier and head for one of the 2 express self-checkout machines...
(Credit card only, no cash, no cash back.)
I hear an urban individual aggressively panhandling everyone in line, one at a time.
His patter... "Hey man, gimme a dolla. Hey man. Need me a dolla fo' ma drank. Gimme a dolla!"
Most folks ignored him and he moved on to the next possible purveyor of 'dollaz'...
Until he got to me.
The end of the line.
He felt he needed to step up his game.
Agressive Urban Individual: "Hey man. Gimme a dolla."
YT: Silence. Continue to scan my items.
AUI: "Hey man. Gimme a dolla. I know you gots a dolla fo me."
AUI: "C'mon Big Man. Don't you got a dolla fo me?"
Now, AUI is a lanky guy, 6', wraparound sunglasses, and an ornate grill with enough metalwork to set off the detectors that control the traffic lights as he crosses the street. The belt line of his 'shorts' is around mid-thigh, and he's wearing (conservativley) $200 worth of Nike sneakers fashionably untied.
I have nothing for this guy.
I have one $20 (nope), about 80 pesos, $10 Australian, 20 renminbei, $5 Canadian and €10 Euro. I doubt he'd see the humor of being handed useless Monopoly monies.
AUI: "C'mon Big Man. I knows you gots a dolla fo me."
Shit. This dude isn't leaving.
Let me review my possible responses...
1. Continued stoic silence and ignore AUI.
a) "I'm dreadfully sorry sir, but sadly, I do not have any any coin of the realm in denominations that would be appropriate for your need. Carry on, my good man."
b) "Piss off."
c) "Fuck off, asswipe."
d) "No. Hit the road."
Let's go with d) since it seems he's not leaving until I respond in some manner, and there're lots of folk in hearing distance.
Besides, trying to stay vigilant as I scan my items is making me do both badly.
YT: "Got nothing for you. Hit the road."
AUI: (incredulously) "Wha?! Wat choo say?"
YT: (Annunciating carefully while still scanning my stuff) "No. Hit. The. Road."
AUI: (mostly to himself but still loud enough) "Hit de road? Motherfucka! I go somepin' in mah pocket fo you. Hit de goddam road." Starts to turn away, back to the main cashier line.
To paraphrase Calvin Candie: "You had my curiousity. Now you have my attention."
Something in your pocket? Really?
I stood fully up, partially turned toward him, fix him with my Withering Gaze(tm) and loudly respond:
"Excuse me? Something in your pocket for me? ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!"
We now have the attention of everyone in line, the cashier, and more important, the cop and security guard I hadn't seen near the door.
AUI is quickly escorted outside, sans 'drank' and is in serious discussion with 2 uniformed LEOs as I depart CVS a couple minutes later.
This entire episode was A Stupid Move.
I should have shut up and ignored him.
Nothing good was going to happen, and it was blind luck that the rentacop and the real cop were on hand.
AUI could have been a real bad ass and decided he needed to make a statement after being disrespected, and even though I am a big guy, all I had to back up my attitude was a hand with some skin on it.
At home things might have been different but given company policies and my desire to stay employed, I don't concealed carry when traveling on the job.
If AUI actually had a piece and was so inclined, he might have waited around the corner for me...
I really need to curb my propensity for opening my trap at the wrong time.
It's going to bad for me one of these days.
So, much in the same way that 9/11 caused a sea change in the way a hijacking is handled, (before=stay calm, cooperate w/hijackers vs now= let's roll! Take 'em down now!) will the experience of Orlando cause SWAT/First Responders to act quicker, since shooter was able to take his sweet ol' time killing folks since they gave him a 3-hour window?
And one wonders about the choice of Pulse as a extremely soft target...
There wasn't going to be much of a resistance given the clientele.
Wonder how he'd have fared hitting a honky tonk or a hip hop club...